Road Blocks and other difficulties...Part V of My story

Assalam alaikum & Peace to all...

Well... I left off with my 'conversion'... and with the utterance of the testimony of faith (Shahada) a whole new world had opened up for me... along with the peace and blessings that I felt, I also (a few days, weeks later) had realized that it also comes with big responsibilities.
First of all there was the little issue (ok not so little really ~ the biggest in fact {well in my eyes at least}) of offering the prayers, all five that are obligations on all Muslims for the rest of their lives! Oh my God...forever and ever...five times a day....kept running around in my head. Well, needless to say I was a bit overwhelmed,
but did not worry because I knew that I had some time to learn my prayers and would 'try my best'. I wrote out (ok, copy - pasted) the prayers and how to say it and what movements to do with them. So, I did the Wudu (the purification, washing yourself to get ready for prayer, hands, face, arms, feet) and put on the headscarf, (and took a quick glance at myself in the mirror ~ wow...was that me?) went into my room laid down a piece of material that I would use as my 'prayer mat' and realized quickly that I cannot do my prayers with a piece of paper in my hands. Hmm, well this would be interesting exactly am I supposed to do it? I was a little disappointed and disheartened that I could not offer the prayer. This was going to be harder than I thought...I had to memorize all of the was I supposed to memorize something that was not even in my own language? So, more 'paperwork', I wrote down all of the words in sections and would concentrate on 'one section' at a time, when I would learn that part. I would move on to the next part and so on, till I would know the whole prayer and perform it without any papers!
I was successful for the most part...I had memorized a bit of it and would tape up the paper to the wall so at least I could have my hands free...that worked! All the while I was memorizing...I had this thought, ' I really should know what I am reciting'. For me strictly reciting had 'no meaning', this was the prayer, this was the 'contact' that you have with God, your creator and Lord, and you end up not knowing a single word of what you are 'telling' Him, that's just not right.
So, instead of learning new 'surahs' (verses of Quran ~ you need to recite at least two different ones in each prayer) I was concentrating on linking the words of the prayer to English ones, with the ultimate goal of me knowing exactly what I am saying! Good, plan...just one thing ... IT TAKES FOREVER TO DO THAT!
A bit more than a year later...and I am still on the first surahs that I memorized, meaning that I have not memorized any new surahs, because I made a promise to myself that I would not move forward until I completely memorized and learned all I am reciting! I am close but not just yet... I have a few more words to know! Inshallah(God willing) it will be soon that I can move on.

Offering the prayer in Arabic was just the beginning of my 'problems'. I work in an office where nobody knows of my conversion/reversion, and that is how it has to be...but in doing so...I cannot offer my prayers at that leaves me with only the night prayers to do at home... oh...but hold on...I have a mother at home who does not know....and is not aware of the right of 'privacy' in your child's life... (or adult child...same thing!) Basically there are no 'closed' doors in our home... I offer what prayers I can, most of them with the fear of being 'seen' ...I can only pray that God accepts my prayers as they are...because I sincerely do offer them wholeheartedly.

These are some of my 'struggles', now I know that it may seem 'why don't you just lock your door and offer prayers that way' ( locks) some have suggested.

Hijab is a whole blog on its own...maybe part 99...(lol...don't worry I wont go that far!) I am just about up to the present time now...well almost...there is about 6 months that is a 'lost' time or so I like to call it... we all have our faith waver and become a bit questionable.... but I think I fell on the path and only picked up myself (rather God picked me up) recently. (I am thankful for that!)

So on to part VI... "The lost times"...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

keep it up sis.. im here if u ever need anything, you know that insha'allah.


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