A need to get things off my shoulders
Sorry no new blogs for a while, I really have not had too much happening lately, other than being busy with work and driving in this snow!! I am getting so tired of all this snow...subhanallah I know that we need the cold and snow and I'm usually fine with it but driving and walking in it is such a chore. Inshallah it will get better soon and may God watch over us all as we go through all this weather!
Been going to the gym a bit more frequently, and I must say that my mind tends to wander a lot as I am cycling or walking. One very fine day my mind wandered to the fact that I am a 'closet Muslim' - ok what I mean is that most of the people I work with and family do not know that I have converted, so I live a bit of a double life. Above all it bothers me to no end that I cannot tell my mother. I know that many will say, "oh just tell her, how bad could it be?" Well, it would be bad, I know my Mom, she will on the outside look fine and seem to accept it but inside it would wound her deeply, and after leaving home and getting married, I feel I cannot inflict one more thing on her. Inshallah, the day will come when I can tell her, and I pray always that she will be able to accept it one day, I just don't know when that day will come, if ever? Only God knows what is best and I just hope that I am able to 'hear' what God is telling me. Well, sitting there cycling away, I thought for a moment that I should just tell her, or at least give her a good idea that yes I have changed. But then I kind of ran through in my mind the conversation, and how it would all affect her, and I cannot help but feel guilty to inflict more conflict.
So, I kept on cycling and praying one day I can reveal all. I also thought that the next time someone asks I will say "I am Muslim" - hopefully its not a family member!
So those are my thoughts for now, not much in this revert's life at the moment. No big revelations or moral dilemma's at the moment. Actually I'm always trying to improve my 'spiritual' life, as it is always a struggle, I keep struggling.