A need to get things off my shoulders

Sorry no new blogs for a while, I really have not had too much happening lately, other than being busy with work and driving in this snow!! I am getting so tired of all this snow...subhanallah I know that we need the cold and snow and I'm usually fine with it but driving and walking in it is such a chore. Inshallah it will get better soon and may God watch over us all as we go through all this weather!

Been going to the gym a bit more frequently, and I must say that my mind tends to wander a lot as I am cycling or walking. One very fine day my mind wandered to the fact that I am a 'closet Muslim' - ok what I mean is that most of the people I work with and family do not know that I have converted, so I live a bit of a double life. Above all it bothers me to no end that I cannot tell my mother. I know that many will say, "oh just tell her, how bad could it be?" Well, it would be bad, I know my Mom, she will on the outside look fine and seem to accept it but inside it would wound her deeply, and after leaving home and getting married, I feel I cannot inflict one more thing on her. Inshallah, the day will come when I can tell her, and I pray always that she will be able to accept it one day, I just don't know when that day will come, if ever? Only God knows what is best and I just hope that I am able to 'hear' what God is telling me. Well, sitting there cycling away, I thought for a moment that I should just tell her, or at least give her a good idea that yes I have changed. But then I kind of ran through in my mind the conversation, and how it would all affect her, and I cannot help but feel guilty to inflict more conflict.
So, I kept on cycling and praying one day I can reveal all. I also thought that the next time someone asks I will say "I am Muslim" - hopefully its not a family member!

So those are my thoughts for now, not much in this revert's life at the moment. No big revelations or moral dilemma's at the moment. Actually I'm always trying to improve my 'spiritual' life, as it is always a struggle, I keep struggling.


Anisah said...

Salam aleikum sis... I happened along your page :)

You mentioned struggle. I used to think it was just us converts that struggle. In reality, it's all Muslims. We have to constantly defend our rights and choices. Most born Muslims have to fight cultural conflicts within their families. Like marrying outside of their social cast, for example.

I thank Allah that at least we have things not so bad.'s gonna upset the family but our "western" ( not sure where you are from) families might come around a lot more faster than the born Muslims that have to deal with their family's cultural social classes.

Anyway... there is always a bright side.

For me.. I did not "declare" anything. I just let things be and slowly, things fell into place. Al hamdullilah. Basically my family sees I am not destroying myself partying and drinking and that I am living a clean happier life than I was. So, if they love me , then eventually they will get over it.

Sabr :)

Molly said...


I was closeted for longer than I've been out of the closet. It took me 7 months to tell my mom, over a year after that to tell my dad, and then I didn't come out to the rest of my family until this past summer when I came home from Egypt married.

I don't think its a bad thing for you not to tell your mom. It does make it more uncomfortable. I finished my degree out of state and away from family so I could wear hijab and then when I went home I would take my hijab off. I felt like I needed to grow before I could stand up to their scrutiny, and I did and alhumdulillah no matter what they say it doesn't make me ashamed to be Muslim or a hijabi.

Do what you feel is right, and consult Allah before all else.


Hadiya425 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hadiya425 said...

Asalaamu Alaikum,
It is a struggle but you will be able to tell your family when the time feels right.

I let my family know with an email.
That way I was able to thoroughly explain my reasons without having anyone interrupt me and all my family members were able to get the information at the same time.

Best of luck!


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