Am I being insensitive?

Assalam alaikum & Peace to all

For a few days now I've been irritated with my mom and I can't figure out if I am being rational about it or just emotional?  So why not ask all of you out there? Here is the story.

My mom is living with us now for a few months, we are going to be moving into our new home in about a month (inshallah) and we have so many things to do in the apartment before it can be put on sale - massive cleaning and some structural work too (ie. finishing the flooring off and painting) So for these few months it has been a real struggle with my mom in terms that I find myself telling her 'what to do' everyday.  She was living on her own for about 2 years and has taken care of her family (my Father and myself) for over 30 years so it's not like she does not know how to run a household, or cook, etc.  I really looked forward to having the cooking done by her and her helping out with the household cleaning.  Ok, I know that sounds harsh but it's nice to have some help (I work far from home so by the time I get home I feel so drained that the cooking and household chores suffer a bit - at least until the weekend) so thankfully my mom being healthy and capable to help out I was happy.  Well, it has not really worked out that way at all. 
She constantly is asking me what to cook and how to cook it...etc.  She does not really take the initive to clean the house if she sees something a mess, instead she will say 'oh why are you doing that, when I can do it?" (huh... why didn't you do it then in the first place?)  Once again is this harsh of me?  Maybe it is, but she is always saying to me 'Don't do things, relax and let me do them.' Ok, thanks Mom but YOUR'RE NOT DOING THEM! (blush) I just can't tell my mom, oh go clean the bathroom, do the laundry, cook, etc. I feel as if I'm treating her like a maid. 
Hubby is getting a bit frustrated with the situation as well, and so am I.  It's just not easy to adjust to this life with her living there.  It is a small apartment and she has her own small room and she will just go in there and watch TV, read, etc.  So I feel strange, like I've shut her off from us, but it is her that closes the door and shuts herself off from us.  So many times we've said come and sit with us, or don't close the door, etc.  So I just don't know but it is all getting on my nerves, all these little things are pilling up and making me stressed, and I know I'll just blow up at her and that won't solve anything.

So, dear bloggers out there .... am I just a horrible insensitive daughter?? I would appreciate any comments or advice you may have.

Also I've started a pregnancy/baby diary  so if you want to check it out
A mommy in training

I guess I'll find out what it's like to be a mom one day (inshallah)


Nasiba said...

wa alaikum salaam wr wb,

I'm not a blogger, but I hope I can share my two cents (literally) for what it's worth. =)

I'm not sure how old your mother is, but I've noticed the older parents get, the more patience we need with them.. :(

My advice to you would be to seek the help of ALLAH (SWT), ask Him to ease the situation, increase you in patience, and have conviction that The Most Merciful will definitely respond to you.

If she was your sister, aunt, or a friend, etc. I would tell you to let her know that her actions are bothering you.. But her being your mother, you just gotta swallow it.. the rights of parents are far to great to jeapordize, for the pleasure of Allah lies with their pleasure (ie if they are pleased with you, so will Allah).
We are instructed in many ahadith and verses from the Quran to speak to them with honour,respect and not say anything that displeases them. Don't ever think you are not able to fufill those commands because w/o a doubt you are able to. Allah (SWT) says: 'Allah does not burden a soul except for its capacity.'

My sister, Allah (SWT) is testing you and tests are never meant to be easy. Perhaps Allah wants to raise your rank in His sight through this.

Ps. If you keep it all in, its possible you might 'blow up'. Solution: Unwind your stress through Allah.

PPS. InshaAllah others will give you more practical solutions (I just saw that you're pregnant mA)

Somayya said...

AsSalaam Alaikum

Mashallah, it is wonderful that you have taken your mother into your home, and may Allah reward you for that sister.

I think you have to also look at it form her side. She must be feeling very aware that she doesn't want to "tread on your toes" and that you might feel that she is taking over if she just got on and done things. You really need to sit down calmly and talk things through - tell her that you really need her help and that she should do what she feels needs doing and that you will not feel badly if she does that. She probably worries that she will do things the wrong way and upset you or your husband.

About her closing the door to her room - maybe she feels that she is giving you and your husband space and privacy, does not want to intrude on your private time?

Why not take her out to lunch/dinner - just the two of you - and really talk things through. There is so much reward for you in looking after your mother that it would be a shame to lose that, and let what may be a simple misunderstanding on both your parts, cause problems between you.

Anonymous said...

Assalamu alaikom,
I don't wanna be specific, except to say I've had a similar situation. Some people in other's homes wanna do everything possible to help out and other people get intimidated and want to stay out of the way and other people are just lazy! There isn't much you can really do. This is probably hard on her, too. Everybody's trying to adjust! What if you put a "to-do" list up on the fridge everyday, act like it's for yourself, to remind yourself, but I wonder if she'll do some chores if she sees them clearly listed on the fridge every day? Or maybe she'll be less likely to do things if she sees that, I don't know...


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