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10/19/09

Things getting worse before they are better?

Assalam alaikum & Peace to all


Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post - all of your words really helped. 
Unfortunately things have gotten worse ...not better, yes I did blow up a bit  but it was for something different, I admit I reacted a bit quick and abrupt but it just happened and I have been 'paying' for that ever since. Not to seem like I'm back-biting (maybe I have already - may God forgive me if I have) but I over-heard my Mother talking badly about me and my husband to a friend of her's.  After that I have not been the same, it's just too many times I have heard her say one thing to me and then go behind my back and talk badly.  I am just deflated right now, I feel lost and don't know how to fix things.  Hubby is very upset at the situation and I feel I am caught between the two of them.  It's not like I have to make a choice between the two (I pray that it will never come to something like that) but my husband is right as well, the whole situation is too tense and my Mother is not realizing how much strain she is putting on us.  I admit wholeheartedly that she is too in a difficult situation but having background history about this I can tell you that this is her personality - only it has gotten worse.  

I prayed that God will show me out of this situation so that we can all be healed of this anger and frustration, but I just don't know what to do. 

I know in Islam parents are held in high regard and God knows that I am trying to do my best but what about that parent not making things difficult? What about not hurting their own child?

May Allah forgive me and give me strength, as I will Inshallah have a child but I just can't imagine doing this to my child, I sit here almost in tears and in the morning when she says 'dear daughter' I feel a little part of my dying away because all I can hear are her harsh words that were spoken behind closed doors. 

Does anyone have any prayers I can recite to calm me down, to give me patience? I just don't know how to handle all of this. 
Forgive me if this sounds so dramatic...and I understand if nobody responds, I think I just need to get this out in the open.

Thank you

7 comments:

The Gori Wife said...

Asalamu Alaikum.

Truthful, honest, open & calm communication is the only way to change minds & hearts. If it's a personality conflict and this kind of thing persists, at least you'll know you've done your best, and that you can keep trying in the future. If you tell her that you heard what she said and how much it hurt your feelings, and try to keep the resulting discussion calm & rational, hopefully she'll learn in time to keep any negative thoughts to herself. InshaAllah, you'll even be able to convince her that he negative thoughts were in fact baseless.

As for being caught in the middle, you'll have to have to same kind of conversation with your husband. It's so terrible to feel badly about something like this, want to share it with your husband, but then you end up suffering as a result. Sometimes I feel like I then have to defend my family member against my husband's words, but I was upset about it to begin with, WHY is he putting me in a position where I then have to defend them? I tell him that, and that I feel like I can't share these things with him because of his reactions. I understand it feels terrible when people are speaking poorly of you, but he has to remain calm because of his duty to his family and also his duty as a Muslim. The prophet, (SAW) is our example. He had so many terrible and untrue things said about him - to his face and behind his back - and how did he react? With dignity, grace, and calm. He would speak to people truthfully and calmly, and if all else fails, win them over by his example. I listen to this song sometimes to remember: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ut2VzQGtOis&feature=PlayList&p=19D5A98D5CF076CB

I'm sorry, I don't mean to tell you what to do, just repeating what I say to MYSELF when things like this happen. We all have to do whatever works for us. Good luck!

Aalya said...

Thank you so much for your words...
"want to share it with your husband, but then you end up suffering as a result"

That is so true, its exactly how I feel!
I have to somehow get control of my feelings, talk in a rational way but everytime I think of this situation my emotions take over :(
Thanks for the link I'll listen to it later on.

Aynur said...

That would have to be terribly hard to hear her say harsh things about you, behind your back. :(

How long is she staying with you?
I think of course a parent should be treating their child with respect, but that doesn't always happen.

Aalya said...

Aynur she is staying with us permanently - we're waiting to move into a new house (where she will live in the basement - her request - but we still have to build the basement)
Things are getting a little bit better - the bitterness is better - we move on with life I guess!

Thanks everyone again for your words!

Somayya said...

AsSalaam Alaikum

I'm so sorry that things have been worse. Inshallah they will improve with time and honest discussion. Just continue to make du'aa inshallah and try to keep the lines of communication open - with both your mum and your husband!!!!

As to du'aa I'm sure there are others, but the easiest one to say is "Au'udu billahi min as shaytan ir rajim". There is also the advice that the prophet (SAWS) gave that if you are standing up and become angry, then sit down , if you are still angry then lay down - it is surprisingly difficult to continue shouting when you are lying down on the floor LOL!

Umm Salihah said...

Assalam-alaikam Sister,
Just wanted to say that I have been there too, as we probably all will with our parents at some point. That time was one of the most painful in my life, I blog about most things quite openly, but I have never known how to write about this.

All I can say is that it will pass, have sabr and behave kindly and with love. Love wears everyone down in the end, no matter how they are or behave. It took a year for things to get back to normal, but I feel like I persevered and Allah helped me. Just hang on in there.

Niqabi said...

As'salaamWalalikum,

sis, forgive ur mother, she is older in age...so she talks her mind to a friend, who else does can she speak to and vent to? i'm sure she might be feeling a little strange as well..living w/ her daughter and son-in-law it may be a new thing for her as well..and she phrobably doenst even know that u over heard and she has forgotten what she has already said to her friend about u and ur husband..if it is bothering somuch, then ushoudl clear the air before u dont appreicate her sweet words of 'dear daughter' ...shyataan is winning my dear sister.
and...i believe u are expecting soon..insh'allah..ur hormones may be acting up too..it happens, changes in the body making u emotional, take care and dontstress and if she does close the door to her room. it may be to give YOU guys privacy..so, why not knock and u two go and sit w/ her in her room together and then leave her alone again :P
it may work well

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