Assalam alaikum & peace to all...
Well, been a while now and I have to write this chapter of my story...not only for myself (mostly though!) but for anyone else who reads this and has had the similar feelings or emotions. It was almost my one year anniversary of my reversion...should have been a happy time...a time to reflect on the year and see where I am in my faith...instead I took a downward spiral. I wish I could say why exactly this happened but to this day I don't know why and pray that it does not happen again. There was no 'big' event that pushed me into 'losing' my faith (well I didn't lose it, it just took a vacation). It was the new year and I had my big news to announce to all of my family that I was engaged...it was a happy time for that and soon after I started to plan for my wedding...which was a year away but would take some good planning to co-ordinate it all. I would like to say that my wedding planning took place of my 'religious' life...but saying this would be first untrue and secondly too shocking to admit if it was true. I threw myself into planning the wedding. I hardly looked at Islamic web site, never went back to that chat room I had visited so often (they even made me asst. manager at the site ~ although there were other circumstances that led me away from that site) just disappeared from my friends lists and sites. I felt horrible to do that to them all...I mean how hard would it have been to send an email saying 'ok, I need some time to myself and I won't be around for a while' but it seems it was hard because I did not do that, I basically 'fell off the face of the 'Islamic' world' and went back to my 'own life'.
I only realize this now that I had gone on overload...it was too much too soon and too much pressure...etc. I needed a break from it all. This break included in not offereing any of my prayers, basically I became 'relgionless' for about a good six months. I would feel horrible each day and week that passed that I did not offer any prayers...always promising myself that 'tomorrow' I will start new and try to improve. Well, tomorrow only came six months later!
I don't know how I managed to get the courage and strength (well, God gave it to me...but not sure of my thoughts at that time) but I started to recite the prayer words at night...just before going to sleep. I would lie in bed and recite the whole prayer ...I was only slightly startled when I realized that I had not forgotten it all! I thanked God that he had given me the courage to start slowly again. So little by little I progressed. Soon after that I made the leap and started to offer my prayers as I did before...actually better because I was offering the two nightly prayers...but the most amazing part was that I did not 'wimp' out of them! Usually I would find some excuse, 'its too late, the water is too cold, Im tired, Ill only spend 10 more mins on the internet (became hours) etc. Anything that I could think of! This time, I managed to defeat those thoughts and offer the prayer!
After establishing regular prayer again, I truly felt that I had gotten another chance at it all. I also decided that I would not 'kick' myself up and down for missing a prayer...now ok hold on I know people are going to scream at that and say ' But you have to feel guilty, otherwise you will never feel the need to offer the prayers and just fall back into neglecting it' ! Ok, yes guilt is good - TO A POINT ! Where I was before was a place where guilt had taken over my thoughts and actions so far that I felt I would never be able to come back to prayer. You see there is a line between guilt and disappointment. When you pass the line from guilt, you start your journey on a path of self-destruction. You make your guilt so great that you fall into a deeper pit ...this leads ultimately into disappointment, depression and hopelessness...etc. When this happens you don't feel like doing anything and just move on and not dwell on the guilt. I think its a way that your mind helps to protect itself...'I'm not going to think about it,and if I don't deal with it, it is not a problem' But that will not solve anything ...it will make it worse to the point that you won't see any way out of it! That is until you let yourself be human and understand that you will fail, over and over again! But if you trust in God, He will pull you up and out of those feelings. You have to realize that we were not created perfectly...our whole life is a struggle, but if you try sincerly to do the bestI believe that God will help you along the way to make it easier!
So, that is where I am right now....July 10 2006. I have come from up and down to just steady right now...let me tell you that I had missed prayer last night (yes I feel guilty ~ and will try to make up for it) but I am not going to beat myself up about it and make myself even lower because then these thoughts will come back 'well I missed one today, I probably will miss it tomorrow...so whats the point of offereing more this week...etc.' No, I will not let those thoughts come back! Inshallah (God willing) I have the strength to defeat those 'demons' and life my life to the best of my abilities.
There is the thought in the Muslim community that you should not reveal your sins...I can agree with that but the only problem with that is that people look like 'angels' and when you sin or fail in something you end up thinking 'why am I so weak..how is it that nobody else goes through what I am going through?" Well you know what? THEY DO...
they just do not admit it. I can only hope that some Muslims out there will see that admitting your sins does not make you weak...In my opinion it makes your stronger that you can say 'Yes, I have failed...but this is what I will do to correct it' And maybe, just maybe a lost 'revert' will see your struggle and have the courage to make a change as well!!
Thank you all who have read my story...(it was long ~ but it continues...everyday!) I hope that some have foundit interesting and thought provoking! (Well, I can dream right!) I wanted to share step by step what I have gone through. I have read so many revert stories that are more like a revelation...they never get in depth of how the person struggles...or comes to the message of Islam. Its not a lightening bolt or flash of insight...it is hard work!
I had just read a book about a revert woman and her struggles...I like the opening line from
it (paraphrasing it)
" dang it being a Muslim is hard work, and anyone who says differently is either lying or has
not realized it yet"
I leave with that...life is a struggle...lets pray that we all survive the struggle and come out
of it a better person!
Showing posts with label My Story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Story. Show all posts
7/4/06
Road Blocks and other difficulties...Part V of My story
Assalam alaikum & Peace to all...
Well... I left off with my 'conversion'... and with the utterance of the testimony of faith (Shahada) a whole new world had opened up for me... along with the peace and blessings that I felt, I also (a few days, weeks later) had realized that it also comes with big responsibilities.
First of all there was the little issue (ok not so little really ~ the biggest in fact {well in my eyes at least}) of offering the prayers, all five that are obligations on all Muslims for the rest of their lives! Oh my God...forever and ever...five times a day....kept running around in my head. Well, needless to say I was a bit overwhelmed, but did not worry because I knew that I had some time to learn my prayers and would 'try my best'. I wrote out (ok, copy - pasted) the prayers and how to say it and what movements to do with them. So, I did the Wudu (the purification, washing yourself to get ready for prayer, hands, face, arms, feet) and put on the headscarf, (and took a quick glance at myself in the mirror ~ wow...was that me?) went into my room laid down a piece of material that I would use as my 'prayer mat' and realized quickly that I cannot do my prayers with a piece of paper in my hands. Hmm, well this would be interesting then....how exactly am I supposed to do it? I was a little disappointed and disheartened that I could not offer the prayer. This was going to be harder than I thought...I had to memorize all of the prayer...how was I supposed to memorize something that was not even in my own language? So, more 'paperwork', I wrote down all of the words in sections and would concentrate on 'one section' at a time, when I would learn that part. I would move on to the next part and so on, till I would know the whole prayer and perform it without any papers!
I was successful for the most part...I had memorized a bit of it and would tape up the paper to the wall so at least I could have my hands free...that worked! All the while I was memorizing...I had this thought, ' I really should know what I am reciting'. For me strictly reciting had 'no meaning', this was the prayer, this was the 'contact' that you have with God, your creator and Lord, and you end up not knowing a single word of what you are 'telling' Him, that's just not right.
So, instead of learning new 'surahs' (verses of Quran ~ you need to recite at least two different ones in each prayer) I was concentrating on linking the words of the prayer to English ones, with the ultimate goal of me knowing exactly what I am saying! Good, plan...just one thing ... IT TAKES FOREVER TO DO THAT! A bit more than a year later...and I am still on the first surahs that I memorized, meaning that I have not memorized any new surahs, because I made a promise to myself that I would not move forward until I completely memorized and learned all I am reciting! I am close but not just yet... I have a few more words to know! Inshallah(God willing) it will be soon that I can move on.
Offering the prayer in Arabic was just the beginning of my 'problems'. I work in an office where nobody knows of my conversion/reversion, and that is how it has to be...but in doing so...I cannot offer my prayers at work...so that leaves me with only the night prayers to do at home... oh...but hold on...I have a mother at home who does not know....and is not aware of the right of 'privacy' in your child's life... (or adult child...same thing!) Basically there are no 'closed' doors in our home... I offer what prayers I can, most of them with the fear of being 'seen' ...I can only pray that God accepts my prayers as they are...because I sincerely do offer them wholeheartedly.
These are some of my 'struggles', now I know that it may seem trivial...like 'why don't you just lock your door and offer prayers that way' (simple..no locks) some have suggested.
Hijab is a whole blog on its own...maybe part 99...(lol...don't worry I wont go that far!) I am just about up to the present time now...well almost...there is about 6 months that is a 'lost' time or so I like to call it... we all have our faith waver and become a bit questionable.... but I think I fell on the path and only picked up myself (rather God picked me up) recently. (I am thankful for that!)
So on to part VI... "The lost times"...
Well... I left off with my 'conversion'... and with the utterance of the testimony of faith (Shahada) a whole new world had opened up for me... along with the peace and blessings that I felt, I also (a few days, weeks later) had realized that it also comes with big responsibilities.
First of all there was the little issue (ok not so little really ~ the biggest in fact {well in my eyes at least}) of offering the prayers, all five that are obligations on all Muslims for the rest of their lives! Oh my God...forever and ever...five times a day....kept running around in my head. Well, needless to say I was a bit overwhelmed, but did not worry because I knew that I had some time to learn my prayers and would 'try my best'. I wrote out (ok, copy - pasted) the prayers and how to say it and what movements to do with them. So, I did the Wudu (the purification, washing yourself to get ready for prayer, hands, face, arms, feet) and put on the headscarf, (and took a quick glance at myself in the mirror ~ wow...was that me?) went into my room laid down a piece of material that I would use as my 'prayer mat' and realized quickly that I cannot do my prayers with a piece of paper in my hands. Hmm, well this would be interesting then....how exactly am I supposed to do it? I was a little disappointed and disheartened that I could not offer the prayer. This was going to be harder than I thought...I had to memorize all of the prayer...how was I supposed to memorize something that was not even in my own language? So, more 'paperwork', I wrote down all of the words in sections and would concentrate on 'one section' at a time, when I would learn that part. I would move on to the next part and so on, till I would know the whole prayer and perform it without any papers!
I was successful for the most part...I had memorized a bit of it and would tape up the paper to the wall so at least I could have my hands free...that worked! All the while I was memorizing...I had this thought, ' I really should know what I am reciting'. For me strictly reciting had 'no meaning', this was the prayer, this was the 'contact' that you have with God, your creator and Lord, and you end up not knowing a single word of what you are 'telling' Him, that's just not right.
So, instead of learning new 'surahs' (verses of Quran ~ you need to recite at least two different ones in each prayer) I was concentrating on linking the words of the prayer to English ones, with the ultimate goal of me knowing exactly what I am saying! Good, plan...just one thing ... IT TAKES FOREVER TO DO THAT! A bit more than a year later...and I am still on the first surahs that I memorized, meaning that I have not memorized any new surahs, because I made a promise to myself that I would not move forward until I completely memorized and learned all I am reciting! I am close but not just yet... I have a few more words to know! Inshallah(God willing) it will be soon that I can move on.
Offering the prayer in Arabic was just the beginning of my 'problems'. I work in an office where nobody knows of my conversion/reversion, and that is how it has to be...but in doing so...I cannot offer my prayers at work...so that leaves me with only the night prayers to do at home... oh...but hold on...I have a mother at home who does not know....and is not aware of the right of 'privacy' in your child's life... (or adult child...same thing!) Basically there are no 'closed' doors in our home... I offer what prayers I can, most of them with the fear of being 'seen' ...I can only pray that God accepts my prayers as they are...because I sincerely do offer them wholeheartedly.
These are some of my 'struggles', now I know that it may seem trivial...like 'why don't you just lock your door and offer prayers that way' (simple..no locks) some have suggested.
Hijab is a whole blog on its own...maybe part 99...(lol...don't worry I wont go that far!) I am just about up to the present time now...well almost...there is about 6 months that is a 'lost' time or so I like to call it... we all have our faith waver and become a bit questionable.... but I think I fell on the path and only picked up myself (rather God picked me up) recently. (I am thankful for that!)
So on to part VI... "The lost times"...
6/28/06
Start your journey...with God leading you - Part IV of my story
Assalam alaikum & Peace to all
So, here I was or rather there I was, trying to decide what path to take, do I stay as a Catholic and feel like I am committing a sin, or do I take a new religion and feel lost in it? I remember going through a few weeks of total and utter confusion, what do I do. I even took a 'break' from all the research I was doing to try and let it all sink in...but I always found myself going back and trying to read more about Islam. One day when I was in the chat room, there was this one 'brother' (took forever to get used to saying that and not 'a guy') who said basically: 'ok I'm giving you a week and you need to make your decision if you will say the Shahada or not'.
Hmm...so there it was...crunch time... do it or don't. This was around the Christmas holidays and I was off work, so I had some time but not too much time to look more and think. Funny it's a Christian holy holiday and I am in the middle of a theological debate. So, the holiday
passed by and new year was upon us and I thought that, 'ok I will just do it now', and be done with it. Well it didn't happen, in fact that night (new year's eve) I was in tears, not from this struggle to make a decision but from some other things in my life...so it became a very rocky start to the new year. Went back to work and went back to my old life... not knowing that before the day was out I would be a Muslim. All day that day, I was just replaying what that brother had said...'make your decision'... and I just thought over and over, what am I waiting for?
'Do you believe it is the truth, do you believe in God and his prophets?...' All the answers were yes, but there was this nagging in the back of my mind that if I do this, God will be 'angry' with me for not following the truth. The last thing I wanted to do was to be in more sin and make God angry, I could not bear that at all. People from the chat room kept on saying, 'well this is a test for you, God is testing to see if you will follow the truth'... needless to say this did not help me at all. So, that day at work I just ran through things in my mind...why and why not. I thought: 'ok, I already believe in God as one, never thought of Jesus as 'god', all the prophets I believe in and why not Mohammed as the last one - God had sent many Prophets before so why not one more and who cares what area of the world he came from and what culture it is.' Basically I, without knowing or realizing, was already a Muslim, the only thing missing was actually saying and believing it with all of my heart and mind. This came later that night...
I went home had dinner...etc usual boring stuff and sat down at my computer late that night and made my decision...yes I am going to say the Shahada and make it 'official'. I knew that there were always people in the chat room but I had wondered if there would be someone who would help me to recite the words and be my 'witness' Well I logged in and thought 'ok, if there is someone there then I will say it'. Once again God as all-knowing...made it possible. That brother who had given me the 'ultimatum' was there so I told him 'I want to say it' ...He was like
really...and got all flustered and excited. So I went through what the words would be to say, (didn't have
microphone, so it was just 'typed' out) I typed out:
'Ashadu anla la illaha il allah wa ashadu Mohammed abduhu wa rasulluh'
'I bear witness that there is One God and Mohammed is his servant and messenger'
And that was it...he made me re-type it three times. Before typing it out I did recite is out loud and believed with all my heart what I was saying.
I know many will say: 'this is not a real shahada, no witness', no verbal recitation...etc' but I had read earlier that in Islam you do not need a witness...it is enough to believe in your heart truly that this is the way, and you profess to yourself and above all God, that this is what you believe and that is enough.
Announcements were all made to the chat room...and I was overwhelmed by good wishes...and tons of Mashallah's. All I can say is that after that recitation and belief in my heart I felt as
if a really big stone had been lifted from me. They say that when you say your Shahada (profession of faith) all of your previous sins are erased, and you start new. That is exactly how I felt, I was literally shaking from all the emotion of it. I cannot describe the feeling...just peacefulness and
a 'second' chance at doing 'the right thing'
So, now I'm a Muslim...
Oh my God, now what? The real road was just unfolding in front of me...and 'reality' stepped in when I realized that I have obligations that I must do...example prayer...dilemma...Mother at home has no clue about said daughters reversion and said obligations...so the story takes a turn
So, here I was or rather there I was, trying to decide what path to take, do I stay as a Catholic and feel like I am committing a sin, or do I take a new religion and feel lost in it? I remember going through a few weeks of total and utter confusion, what do I do. I even took a 'break' from all the research I was doing to try and let it all sink in...but I always found myself going back and trying to read more about Islam. One day when I was in the chat room, there was this one 'brother' (took forever to get used to saying that and not 'a guy') who said basically: 'ok I'm giving you a week and you need to make your decision if you will say the Shahada or not'.
Hmm...so there it was...crunch time... do it or don't. This was around the Christmas holidays and I was off work, so I had some time but not too much time to look more and think. Funny it's a Christian holy holiday and I am in the middle of a theological debate. So, the holiday
passed by and new year was upon us and I thought that, 'ok I will just do it now', and be done with it. Well it didn't happen, in fact that night (new year's eve) I was in tears, not from this struggle to make a decision but from some other things in my life...so it became a very rocky start to the new year. Went back to work and went back to my old life... not knowing that before the day was out I would be a Muslim. All day that day, I was just replaying what that brother had said...'make your decision'... and I just thought over and over, what am I waiting for?
'Do you believe it is the truth, do you believe in God and his prophets?...' All the answers were yes, but there was this nagging in the back of my mind that if I do this, God will be 'angry' with me for not following the truth. The last thing I wanted to do was to be in more sin and make God angry, I could not bear that at all. People from the chat room kept on saying, 'well this is a test for you, God is testing to see if you will follow the truth'... needless to say this did not help me at all. So, that day at work I just ran through things in my mind...why and why not. I thought: 'ok, I already believe in God as one, never thought of Jesus as 'god', all the prophets I believe in and why not Mohammed as the last one - God had sent many Prophets before so why not one more and who cares what area of the world he came from and what culture it is.' Basically I, without knowing or realizing, was already a Muslim, the only thing missing was actually saying and believing it with all of my heart and mind. This came later that night...
I went home had dinner...etc usual boring stuff and sat down at my computer late that night and made my decision...yes I am going to say the Shahada and make it 'official'. I knew that there were always people in the chat room but I had wondered if there would be someone who would help me to recite the words and be my 'witness' Well I logged in and thought 'ok, if there is someone there then I will say it'. Once again God as all-knowing...made it possible. That brother who had given me the 'ultimatum' was there so I told him 'I want to say it' ...He was like
really...and got all flustered and excited. So I went through what the words would be to say, (didn't havemicrophone, so it was just 'typed' out) I typed out:
'Ashadu anla la illaha il allah wa ashadu Mohammed abduhu wa rasulluh'
'I bear witness that there is One God and Mohammed is his servant and messenger'
And that was it...he made me re-type it three times. Before typing it out I did recite is out loud and believed with all my heart what I was saying.
I know many will say: 'this is not a real shahada, no witness', no verbal recitation...etc' but I had read earlier that in Islam you do not need a witness...it is enough to believe in your heart truly that this is the way, and you profess to yourself and above all God, that this is what you believe and that is enough.
Announcements were all made to the chat room...and I was overwhelmed by good wishes...and tons of Mashallah's. All I can say is that after that recitation and belief in my heart I felt as
if a really big stone had been lifted from me. They say that when you say your Shahada (profession of faith) all of your previous sins are erased, and you start new. That is exactly how I felt, I was literally shaking from all the emotion of it. I cannot describe the feeling...just peacefulness and
a 'second' chance at doing 'the right thing'
So, now I'm a Muslim...
Oh my God, now what? The real road was just unfolding in front of me...and 'reality' stepped in when I realized that I have obligations that I must do...example prayer...dilemma...Mother at home has no clue about said daughters reversion and said obligations...so the story takes a turn
6/27/06
Found the path but where is the map that goes with it? - Part III
Assalam alaikum & Peace to all...
Welcome to another part of 'my story' ...
We left off with my 'revelation' of sorts. You may think that because I saw those words:
"O followers of the Book! Why do you disbelieve in the communications of Allah while
you witness them" 3:70
that instantly I was transformed and believed and all that...well nothing in life is really that easy!
Yes, I had been emotionally, spiritually and even physically moved by those words and had to take a moment to recover. I mean it is no little thing that happened... I mean I literally take this as God talking to me! (ok, its no burning bush but this was enough to shake my very view of Islam and
where my place in it has to be) Life is not like it is in the movies...it has a beginning, a middle, and and ending...but it is not neatly packaged to fit into a two hour time frame...nope, it takes months or even years for things to change! I don't exactly remember when or how...but after that time I had to get more information about Islam, see and judge for myself what all this is about.
I told my future husband about the verse that I saw, his response:
"oh there are many verses like this in the Quran" ...
Hmm...I guess it was one of those 'you had to be there' moments... I mean for him it was another verse (beautiful and meaningful as it was) it was nice that I had seen that verse but he didn't know
what my feelings and thoughts were...or how I came about seeing that verse. I think I told him later on about it...then he was like, 'OH!'...anyway...that's men for you!
Months progressed and I used the Internet to its fullest potential... I surfed, waved, copied, pasted all the information I could. Eventually I found a web site on MSN that had information on Islam but the best...it had a chat room! Light bulb....moment. This is where I could find 'real' life
Muslims and ask them all those burning questions in my mind. Ok, admittedly I set out to defend my Christianity and prove or find some way that my beliefs were not all wrong. Well,God as most wise and most knowledgeable...pushed me a different direction. I visited that page often... and I was introduced as the non-Muslim. Well...then the questions started up,who, what, where, why, why not, ...etc came up. I actually enjoyed most of it really. I mean this was my chance to see 'real' Muslims in action and see what they do and say! Most of it was good...some was just scary (radical thoughts that would have easily scared me into a corner had I not known that 'all people' are different' and take it 'with a grain of salt' ). What I did not find 'fun' was when they would say things about Christianity and I had to defend it...sadly I could not and that at first made me angry. I mean why couldn't I be able to defend it... and most importantly .... how was it that all these Muslims could defend all my accusations?? That set me off in another thought direction... " If I could not defend my religion...one as I believed was sent by God and was a true revelation, is it really a 'true' faith?" I focused on that and people in the chat group tried to explain to me that Islam is the 'truth' and that because they could so easily defend it ...that it was the only way. Hmm...well good ...so now what? I started to think. I remember getting really angry... and frustrated...I would find loop polls in Islam,
(at least I thought they were) and with renewed vigor I would come to the chat room, full of new zeal to say ...'haha...you were wrong here is ...blah blah", only to be 'shot' down and proved wrong. A kick to my theological ego for sure. But after the anger faded...I actually listened and analyzed their reasoning and found logic in it... yes, logic! Logic is the one aspect that Christianity does not have (and Ichallenge any Christian who reads this to tell me there is sound logic and fact in it.) So,
instead of coming to the chat room with anger and taking a defensive stand...I listened instead to what they believed and what they wanted to relate to me. Found that that was a much more conducive way to learn!
Probably a few months passed...actually now that I think about it ...I joined that site in October 04 and said my "Shahada" on January 2005. So, I guess in the span of about 3 months I realized that I was lost...totally and utterly lost in a sea of knowledge. I went through a whole range of emotions,
everything from confusion, anger, loss, hopefulness, hopelessness, fear, joy (are there anymore emotions left?) I just didn't know if I could go through with making such a big change...I mean this is life altering here...its not like choosing a new pair of pants.
This is about religion, about life, about God really. Ah ha, now here it was the ultimate dilemma I was facing. I always saw myself as religious in terms that I believed strongly in God and feared Him, and wanted to do good in my life. Simple huh? Well yes, it was. What was in front of me at that time pointed to the fact that I was committing a sin, by believing what I believed. I was terrified by the fact that I was in sin, that I unknowingly was doing something 'bad' and God would be angry with me. Now, you may think this was about Islam, well no it was about Christianity as well...
basically...which one do I follow? I had the path laid out in front of me..and wanted to follow it..but where was the handy map that would help me to see where I am going to?....
On to part IV...
Welcome to another part of 'my story' ...
We left off with my 'revelation' of sorts. You may think that because I saw those words:
"O followers of the Book! Why do you disbelieve in the communications of Allah while
you witness them" 3:70
that instantly I was transformed and believed and all that...well nothing in life is really that easy!
Yes, I had been emotionally, spiritually and even physically moved by those words and had to take a moment to recover. I mean it is no little thing that happened... I mean I literally take this as God talking to me! (ok, its no burning bush but this was enough to shake my very view of Islam and
where my place in it has to be) Life is not like it is in the movies...it has a beginning, a middle, and and ending...but it is not neatly packaged to fit into a two hour time frame...nope, it takes months or even years for things to change! I don't exactly remember when or how...but after that time I had to get more information about Islam, see and judge for myself what all this is about.
I told my future husband about the verse that I saw, his response:
"oh there are many verses like this in the Quran" ...
Hmm...I guess it was one of those 'you had to be there' moments... I mean for him it was another verse (beautiful and meaningful as it was) it was nice that I had seen that verse but he didn't know
what my feelings and thoughts were...or how I came about seeing that verse. I think I told him later on about it...then he was like, 'OH!'...anyway...that's men for you!
Months progressed and I used the Internet to its fullest potential... I surfed, waved, copied, pasted all the information I could. Eventually I found a web site on MSN that had information on Islam but the best...it had a chat room! Light bulb....moment. This is where I could find 'real' life
Muslims and ask them all those burning questions in my mind. Ok, admittedly I set out to defend my Christianity and prove or find some way that my beliefs were not all wrong. Well,God as most wise and most knowledgeable...pushed me a different direction. I visited that page often... and I was introduced as the non-Muslim. Well...then the questions started up,who, what, where, why, why not, ...etc came up. I actually enjoyed most of it really. I mean this was my chance to see 'real' Muslims in action and see what they do and say! Most of it was good...some was just scary (radical thoughts that would have easily scared me into a corner had I not known that 'all people' are different' and take it 'with a grain of salt' ). What I did not find 'fun' was when they would say things about Christianity and I had to defend it...sadly I could not and that at first made me angry. I mean why couldn't I be able to defend it... and most importantly .... how was it that all these Muslims could defend all my accusations?? That set me off in another thought direction... " If I could not defend my religion...one as I believed was sent by God and was a true revelation, is it really a 'true' faith?" I focused on that and people in the chat group tried to explain to me that Islam is the 'truth' and that because they could so easily defend it ...that it was the only way. Hmm...well good ...so now what? I started to think. I remember getting really angry... and frustrated...I would find loop polls in Islam,
(at least I thought they were) and with renewed vigor I would come to the chat room, full of new zeal to say ...'haha...you were wrong here is ...blah blah", only to be 'shot' down and proved wrong. A kick to my theological ego for sure. But after the anger faded...I actually listened and analyzed their reasoning and found logic in it... yes, logic! Logic is the one aspect that Christianity does not have (and Ichallenge any Christian who reads this to tell me there is sound logic and fact in it.) So,
instead of coming to the chat room with anger and taking a defensive stand...I listened instead to what they believed and what they wanted to relate to me. Found that that was a much more conducive way to learn!
Probably a few months passed...actually now that I think about it ...I joined that site in October 04 and said my "Shahada" on January 2005. So, I guess in the span of about 3 months I realized that I was lost...totally and utterly lost in a sea of knowledge. I went through a whole range of emotions,
everything from confusion, anger, loss, hopefulness, hopelessness, fear, joy (are there anymore emotions left?) I just didn't know if I could go through with making such a big change...I mean this is life altering here...its not like choosing a new pair of pants.
This is about religion, about life, about God really. Ah ha, now here it was the ultimate dilemma I was facing. I always saw myself as religious in terms that I believed strongly in God and feared Him, and wanted to do good in my life. Simple huh? Well yes, it was. What was in front of me at that time pointed to the fact that I was committing a sin, by believing what I believed. I was terrified by the fact that I was in sin, that I unknowingly was doing something 'bad' and God would be angry with me. Now, you may think this was about Islam, well no it was about Christianity as well...
basically...which one do I follow? I had the path laid out in front of me..and wanted to follow it..but where was the handy map that would help me to see where I am going to?....
On to part IV...
6/23/06
Looking for the path....Part II of my story
Assalam alaikum & Peace to all...
So, this is part II...(I don't know how many parts there will be! ) I left off with me being in High school and not really focusing on religion. I was not the typical teen who had tons of dates and went out a lot...mostly a geeky type and had a few really close friends...anyway without going into tons of meaningless details. I basically was your ordinary teen with problems and stuff going on! Religion was something personal and I was fine with that. I didn't feel that I had any problems with my religion...I did not do what the church asked nor did I feel any guilt for that. I did not agree with
many of their ideologies, which was fine in my opinion. I believed in God and that was it...I didn't need anything else in my life! I remember that in grade 11 I took a world religions course..and Islam was one of the religions that we studied...unfortunately I really don't remember much of it! But one thing I do remember was the teacher saying that 'Muslims will stop whatever they are doing and pray 5 times a day' I remember thinking, 'well that's nice...you take time out of your day to pray'
So years went by I graduated and went to College....more years went by and I still was believing the same about myself and religion...I am Catholic I would say when someone would ask...albeit a non practicing one, along with probably 2 million others who claim to be catholic. So you're probably asking...'ok when did she have this big religious crisis! what made her change?' Well, that came along only about 3 years ago or so...
As some of you may know (most not) I am engaged to be married... (oh here it comes the usual..'he must have made her change religions) ...well nope not really. Yes, because of my future husband
I was exposed to Islam more and saw it first hand...well mostly.
Growing up here in north America...I always got bombarded by negative images of Islam and Muslims. I mean I grew up watching the wars in Iran and Iraq and Lebanon etc...There was always the word 'suicide bombers' ... never understood that when I was small...it was just something thing that was happening. You could almost equate Muslims with bombs (this was how the media made it out to be...how horrid I know.)
To be quite honest I never really judged Muslims that way...I would think, 'yeah those are bad people who happen to be Muslim' I never thought that all the people who follow the religion of Islam are terrorists, or bomb makers...or any other negative things associated. But in the back of my mind it was a scary reality that I saw on TV, and it was always...'well that's them...not me'
So now, I am here with a fiancee who is Muslim. When we first met, we were 'dating' yes, ok shock horror...(get over it! ~ we will all have things to answer for at the end of our lives)
I will not get into the discussion here about what kind of Muslim man goes out and dates a woman, nor will I accept anyone who will judge me or my husband based on that ...only God is the judge.... (ok rant over with...if you wish to read more then continue...if not please stop here)
Our relationship grew nicely and we had a good understanding of each other. I never thought about him as being Muslim, that was his religion and that's it. Only a few years later did I start to look into the religion more and kind of casually read things. I would look in my spare time at web sites talking about Islam and what it is and what they do. To be honest I don't remember what the first things I looked at. Actually before doing my Internet research, my future husband bought a book about the
Quran (it had verses in it and a bit of explanations ~ upon looking back it was not the best of book...just not enough information in it) I remember he would look up a verse in his Quran and read it ... I remember him saying what his favourite part was... it was a few passages from Surah Ya-sin...
1. Yâ-Sîn.[These letters are one of the miracles of the Qur'ân, and none but Allâh (Alone) knows their meanings.]
He read from it and I just listened to it, thinking it was a nice passage. As well, I remember the time when he told me that Muslims believed in Jesus....(I had my mouth drop to the floor) and then came Abraham, Moses..etc so many of the people I knew from the bible. That kind of set off a light bulb in my head....there is something about Islam then ....if there is a shared history of peoples? I mean we all know about these people from the bible...and you believe that these people were alive but when another source confirms it... just makes your belief stronger!
Anyways....going on
After the readings I started to look at online versions of the Quran and liked how it sounded. Once again I don't remember what I was reading but I did continue it for quite some time. Usually I would look on Fridays at work...(everyone leaves and I would be left alone to read! )
So, it was just another Friday and I sat at my desk...and closed my eyes and said to God
'Ok, if this is real....if this is how things should be and this religion is the true one show my some kind of sign or something so I know that I am not committing some sin in looking into Islam'
I basically had the whole Quran in front of me...on my screen and I closed my eyes and scrolled the page and stopped when I 'felt' I should. I opened my eyes...and this is what I read:
"O followers of the Book! Why do you disbelieve in the communications of Allah while you witness them" 3:70
Well needless to say I was floored...I was literally shaking in my chair...had God just 'spoken' to me? Was there really any need to doubt? If you believe it or not ....this is exactly how it had happened.
If you still are with me and reading...(or lost on page 1) I will post more ... I think this is good for me...I need to re account how this all happened... and if someone finds this a good story then I'm happier...and if someone reads this and feels moved to research Islam more...even better!
Alhamduillah (All praise to God)
Part III...to follow... how exactly do you become a Muslim??? And I need to do
what!??
So, this is part II...(I don't know how many parts there will be! ) I left off with me being in High school and not really focusing on religion. I was not the typical teen who had tons of dates and went out a lot...mostly a geeky type and had a few really close friends...anyway without going into tons of meaningless details. I basically was your ordinary teen with problems and stuff going on! Religion was something personal and I was fine with that. I didn't feel that I had any problems with my religion...I did not do what the church asked nor did I feel any guilt for that. I did not agree with
many of their ideologies, which was fine in my opinion. I believed in God and that was it...I didn't need anything else in my life! I remember that in grade 11 I took a world religions course..and Islam was one of the religions that we studied...unfortunately I really don't remember much of it! But one thing I do remember was the teacher saying that 'Muslims will stop whatever they are doing and pray 5 times a day' I remember thinking, 'well that's nice...you take time out of your day to pray'
So years went by I graduated and went to College....more years went by and I still was believing the same about myself and religion...I am Catholic I would say when someone would ask...albeit a non practicing one, along with probably 2 million others who claim to be catholic. So you're probably asking...'ok when did she have this big religious crisis! what made her change?' Well, that came along only about 3 years ago or so...
As some of you may know (most not) I am engaged to be married... (oh here it comes the usual..'he must have made her change religions) ...well nope not really. Yes, because of my future husband
I was exposed to Islam more and saw it first hand...well mostly.
Growing up here in north America...I always got bombarded by negative images of Islam and Muslims. I mean I grew up watching the wars in Iran and Iraq and Lebanon etc...There was always the word 'suicide bombers' ... never understood that when I was small...it was just something thing that was happening. You could almost equate Muslims with bombs (this was how the media made it out to be...how horrid I know.)
To be quite honest I never really judged Muslims that way...I would think, 'yeah those are bad people who happen to be Muslim' I never thought that all the people who follow the religion of Islam are terrorists, or bomb makers...or any other negative things associated. But in the back of my mind it was a scary reality that I saw on TV, and it was always...'well that's them...not me'
So now, I am here with a fiancee who is Muslim. When we first met, we were 'dating' yes, ok shock horror...(get over it! ~ we will all have things to answer for at the end of our lives)
I will not get into the discussion here about what kind of Muslim man goes out and dates a woman, nor will I accept anyone who will judge me or my husband based on that ...only God is the judge.... (ok rant over with...if you wish to read more then continue...if not please stop here)
Our relationship grew nicely and we had a good understanding of each other. I never thought about him as being Muslim, that was his religion and that's it. Only a few years later did I start to look into the religion more and kind of casually read things. I would look in my spare time at web sites talking about Islam and what it is and what they do. To be honest I don't remember what the first things I looked at. Actually before doing my Internet research, my future husband bought a book about the
Quran (it had verses in it and a bit of explanations ~ upon looking back it was not the best of book...just not enough information in it) I remember he would look up a verse in his Quran and read it ... I remember him saying what his favourite part was... it was a few passages from Surah Ya-sin...
1. Yâ-Sîn.[These letters are one of the miracles of the Qur'ân, and none but Allâh (Alone) knows their meanings.]
2. By the Qur'ân, full of wisdom (i.e. full of laws, evidences, and proofs),
3. Truly, you (O Muhammad 
4. On a Straight Path (i.e. on Allâh's religion of Islâmic Monotheism).
5. (This is) a Revelation sent down by the AllMighty, the Most Merciful,
6. In order that you may warn a people whose forefathers were not warned, so they are heedless.
7. Indeed the Word (of punishment) has proved true against most of them, so they will not believe.
8. Verily! We have put on their necks iron collars reaching to chins, so that their heads are forced up.
9. And We have put a barrier before them, and a barrier behind them, and We have covered them up, so that they cannot see.
10. It is the same to them whether you warn them or you warn them not, they will not believe.
11. You can only warn him who follows the Reminder (the Qur'ân), and fears the Most Beneficent (Allâh) unseen. Bear you to such one the glad tidings of forgiveness, and a generous reward (i.e. Paradise).
He read from it and I just listened to it, thinking it was a nice passage. As well, I remember the time when he told me that Muslims believed in Jesus....(I had my mouth drop to the floor) and then came Abraham, Moses..etc so many of the people I knew from the bible. That kind of set off a light bulb in my head....there is something about Islam then ....if there is a shared history of peoples? I mean we all know about these people from the bible...and you believe that these people were alive but when another source confirms it... just makes your belief stronger!
Anyways....going on
After the readings I started to look at online versions of the Quran and liked how it sounded. Once again I don't remember what I was reading but I did continue it for quite some time. Usually I would look on Fridays at work...(everyone leaves and I would be left alone to read! )
So, it was just another Friday and I sat at my desk...and closed my eyes and said to God
'Ok, if this is real....if this is how things should be and this religion is the true one show my some kind of sign or something so I know that I am not committing some sin in looking into Islam'
I basically had the whole Quran in front of me...on my screen and I closed my eyes and scrolled the page and stopped when I 'felt' I should. I opened my eyes...and this is what I read:
"O followers of the Book! Why do you disbelieve in the communications of Allah while you witness them" 3:70
Well needless to say I was floored...I was literally shaking in my chair...had God just 'spoken' to me? Was there really any need to doubt? If you believe it or not ....this is exactly how it had happened.
If you still are with me and reading...(or lost on page 1) I will post more ... I think this is good for me...I need to re account how this all happened... and if someone finds this a good story then I'm happier...and if someone reads this and feels moved to research Islam more...even better!
Alhamduillah (All praise to God)
Part III...to follow... how exactly do you become a Muslim??? And I need to do
what!??
Reversion road.. Part 1 of my story
Assalalm alaikum & peace to all...
Ive been lately pre-occupied with the fact of me being a 'revert'... what exactly is that you may ask...well it is a term that Muslims use to describe someone who has 'come back' to the faith of Islam. Hmm...you may be thinking that this is some way of describing those who were born as Muslims and have 'come back'... like the so-called 'born again Christians" (never did understand that really) Well no its not the same thing at all.
Muslims believe that we are all born into the faith of Islam (which by the way means submission to the One God ) and only later on are we changed or influenced by our parents or caregivers. I think I like the way this is phrased...we are coming back to believing and worshiping our Creator and Lord. Nice huh? Not a religion of terrorism is it...
(ok, ok, had to slide that one in! ~ that's another topic by itself...~ when will the world start to judge individuals and not the entire faith!...but ANYWAYS!)
I have been struggling with religion all my life I suppose. From early on we are taught that we need to have faith in God and believe that Jesus is his son and is divine and we can only be 'saved' or unburden our sins through him...
(astagfurallah ~ I seek God's forgiveness) I remember going to church and just sitting there and thinking why is there such a huge statue of Jesus hanging there on the cross ... we're are not supposed to be worshipping idols...but look around a church and you will see tons of statues of Mary and various saints...and (here it comes...) some people would even kiss and PRAY to those statues for Intervention! (Astagfurallah......ahhhhhhhh how horrid!) I mean not even in any form of Christianity should you be doing this! Yet people don't realize...its what they were taught from
generation to generation! So needless to say, I was disheartened with religion or rather with my church and its seemingly good ethics! For years I just went along and prayed and went to church sang in my High school choir (all girls school!) but deep inside...(well maybe not so deep) I was not a Catholic ...not really. I did not go to church every Sunday, would only attend mass with the school, only by force did I go to confession (another horrid thing! sorry but it is...I mean you're stuck in a box confessing your sins to a man who suddenly through the power of the holy spirit has the ability to absolve you from your sins! Gee...I thought only God could do that???) so all in all I was not a practicing Catholic! Well...not quite.
Yes, I did not do all the 'rituals and performances' but in my heart and every night I would pray to God (only God!) I would thank God for all the things that he gave to me in a day...and pray to keep us all safe and protected. I thought that is sufficient in Faith...I did not need to show it in an outward way. So, in essence I had started my journey on this road, on this path of faithfulness...only it would take maybe 15+ more years to really hit me...
What have I done?
Part II ...later on (Inshallah)
~If you are bored by this...well don't read anymore! If you are interested well good... I'm glad! ~
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